Monday-Friday next week, I have studio space in Aber Arts Centre, and I'll be doing some work devising material for You Have To Be Mad To Work Here (And It Doesn't Even Help). It's going to be very interesting to see how I manage.
I have plenty of experience in short-form solo devising, having been involved in a bunch of Scriptography Production's Response Time events (creating short performance pieces in response to artworks in a gallery, over the course of 48 hours), and some experience of more focused, long-term practice in groups during my time at Coleg Ceredigion in the last couple of years, but the idea of just me, alone, in a room, with nothing to do but make Theatre is... different. Terrifying.
I've been writing material for the show for the last few months (but not as much as I'd've liked to) and doing some research (but not as much as I'd've liked to), so I'm not going in to the process cold, and I'm confident in my ability to generate STUFF in a short timeframe, but I'm really struggling with expectations. What my head keeps telling me is that I need a full hour of polished, professional quality material to show to the small handful of friends I've invited to a showing on the friday afternoon. which is ridiculous. When I first planned the schedule for this project, I had in mind that this week would be purely exploratory, and the second week I have scheduled in late february, after a few weeks of more writing, researching, and development would be the time to create the actual show. BUT: I can't turn off the perfectionist voice in my head that demands I create work worthy of a paying audience in an instant, because I'm an ARTIST DAMMIT, that's what I should be able to DO.
That voice is CRAZY: But it's there. I can turn the volume down, but I haven't yet found the off switch.
So: What I'm trying to do is create a space of mindfulness, being aware of my limitations and my expectations. Creating an environment where I'm free to play and explore, because (without a doubt) the only thing my perfectionist instincts do for me is shut me down. When I let them run riot I achieve nothing, because it's true: there is nothing more perfect than a blank page.
Maybe I won't even have anything of value to show people on the final day, but I have to keep telling myself that that is only a waste of time because I've sat in a corner reading comics, afraid to move with no eyes on me or speak into no ears.
I have plenty of experience in short-form solo devising, having been involved in a bunch of Scriptography Production's Response Time events (creating short performance pieces in response to artworks in a gallery, over the course of 48 hours), and some experience of more focused, long-term practice in groups during my time at Coleg Ceredigion in the last couple of years, but the idea of just me, alone, in a room, with nothing to do but make Theatre is... different. Terrifying.
I've been writing material for the show for the last few months (but not as much as I'd've liked to) and doing some research (but not as much as I'd've liked to), so I'm not going in to the process cold, and I'm confident in my ability to generate STUFF in a short timeframe, but I'm really struggling with expectations. What my head keeps telling me is that I need a full hour of polished, professional quality material to show to the small handful of friends I've invited to a showing on the friday afternoon. which is ridiculous. When I first planned the schedule for this project, I had in mind that this week would be purely exploratory, and the second week I have scheduled in late february, after a few weeks of more writing, researching, and development would be the time to create the actual show. BUT: I can't turn off the perfectionist voice in my head that demands I create work worthy of a paying audience in an instant, because I'm an ARTIST DAMMIT, that's what I should be able to DO.
That voice is CRAZY: But it's there. I can turn the volume down, but I haven't yet found the off switch.
So: What I'm trying to do is create a space of mindfulness, being aware of my limitations and my expectations. Creating an environment where I'm free to play and explore, because (without a doubt) the only thing my perfectionist instincts do for me is shut me down. When I let them run riot I achieve nothing, because it's true: there is nothing more perfect than a blank page.
Maybe I won't even have anything of value to show people on the final day, but I have to keep telling myself that that is only a waste of time because I've sat in a corner reading comics, afraid to move with no eyes on me or speak into no ears.